Archive | August, 2012

Shortcutting… The Edinburgh Fringe

28 Aug

The world’s biggest arts festival had its last day yesterday, and it all took place in wee Edinburgh, home to authors Arthur Conan Doyle and J. K. Rowling, comedian Ronnie Corbett, and the roots of one of the nation’s favourite author/comedians: me! Yes, yours truly has heritage not only in fair Athens, as I have mentioned previously (and so can therefore lay claim to the Olympics, Maths, Philosophy, and all that jazz), but also in the Athens of the north, thanks to which I am a frequent attendee of the bizarre, crazy, glorious Edinburgh Fringe.

If you are unfamiliar with the Fringe, I shall give you the lowdown – the original Edinburgh Festival was all plays and opera and the like, reserved for the highbrow among us. But then around it grew the Fringe, where the comedians and the improvised musicals and the student sketch shows took to pubs and clubs and any rooms they could find to bring entertainment to the masses, until the Fringe became a muuuuch bigger deal than the festival. Just to give you an idea, a few clicks on the website revealed that anyone looking for a show last Saturday had around 1700 to choose from. In one day. It went on for 25 days this year. There are about 300 different venues, ranging from the tiny – one at the Gilded Balloon was called The Wee Room, whose name my dad mistook for the bathroom (and he calls himself Scottish!) – to the huge – the biggest I went to was the Pleasance Grand, which seats about 1000 people. Some venues are theatres, some are university lecture rooms, some are little basements or attics, and I even saw a show taking place on the top floor of a disused double decker bus. From my experience, there was a direct correlation between ‘size of room’ and ‘funniness’, so if you’re squeezing into a little ten-seater attic room, don’t have your hopes too high.

So, what to see? I saw about ten shows, whose size and funniness ranged quite considerably. As I’m a very kindhearted person, I won’t mention the really awful shows – they’ve already either been slated by critics, or worse, are simply unknown. But I will share with you my four favourites:

4) Morgan & West: Clockwork Miracles. This magic show was the only show I went to not professing to be a comedy, but it turned out to be a lot funnier than many I saw. Almost all of the magic tricks were un-work-out-able and like the best magicians they had great patter which made it  fun as well as confusing.

3) Pappy’s: Last Show Ever! I saw Pappy’s three years ago and this sketch show trio were as hilarious this time as they were the time before. What’s great about them is that every joke comes back later in the show, and it’s all structured very cleverly. My personal favourite sketch involved a game show called ‘I Can’t Do That’, in which contestants get through rounds based on their inability to do things, which probably doesn’t sound that funny but it was hilarious. It might seem a bit pointless me telling you to go and see an act whose last show was called ‘Last Show Ever!’, but I think it might not actually have been the last show, so keep an eye out for these guys.

2) The Boy With Tape On His Face: More Tape. This one man show involved a man with tape over his mouth and very expressive eyes getting members of the audience to join him in different games involving different everyday objects as more well-known things, e.g. tape measures as lightsabres, wind-up teeth as castanets, and there was a great cowboy-style stand-off where The Boy and an audience member both had balloons under their arms and between their legs, were armed with staplers, and had to try and burst each others’ balloons (don’t worry health and safety, they were wearing safety goggles!), all of which was highly entertaining. A good solid laugh, this one, with a good climax too.

1) Paul Merton’s Improv Chums. Despite the cheesy name, this was completely and utterly hilarious. Paul himself has a great talent for one-liners which will you in tears with laughter, while Mike McShane and Suki Webster were brilliant at creating improvised songs from nowhere, supported by Richard Vranch’s great piano playing. Richard and Lee Simpson had the art for improv too – in fact, I wouldn’t say any of them were the weakest link, which meant that every little sketch had laughs guaranteed, be it King Kong’s coronation, two penguins at a chocolate factory, or a professor explaining how he trained budgies to play hockey. And the other benefit of improv – a different show every day! Well, I’d go again…

To finish this post, I thought you might enjoy what have been voted the ten best jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2012, as voted by Dave:

1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”

2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ”

3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”

4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”

5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.”

6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.”

7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.”

8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.”

10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”

I always think the second one’s the best.

Keep shortcutting,

Zoe

P.S. I know I haven’t blogged in aaaages – yeah sorry about that, but I’m back now eh 🙂

Advertisements

Shortcutting… Special Alphabets

14 Aug

In my post on flags the other day, I said, in what at the time was a joke, that I’d ‘save semaphore for another day’. Well, now that the Olympics are over, I’m going to need something else to blog about, so I thought what the hey – today’s that day! Today, class, we’re going to be looking at four different alphabets things: flag semaphore, Morse code, the NATO alphabet, and Braille.

So let’s start with the flags, because that’s what made me think of the whole thing. The first thing worth noting is that you don’t have to use flags for this – you can use anything kind of rod-like, but I think flags are the most glam, so feel free to use up all your leftover Olympics ones trying this out. It was originally used on ships but I think we should bring it back, maybe for when you’re phone runs out… Here’s the alphabet, courtesy of my favourite reliable source, Wikipedia:

  • Rest / Space

  • Numerals

  • Error or Attention

  • A or 1

  • B or 2

  • C or 3
    Acknowledge/Correct

  • D or 4

  • E or 5
    (8x) Error

  • F or 6

  • G or 7

  • H or 8

  • I or 9

  • J or Letters
    Letters / Position Sign

  • K or 0 (zero)
    Invitation to Transmit

  • L

  • M

  • N

  • O

  • P

  • Q

  • R

  • S

  • T

  • U

  • V

  • W

  • X

  • Y

  • Z

(Numbers can be signaled by first signaling “Numerals”. To change back to letters, simply signal “J”.)

 

Right, next up, it’s dot dot dash time. This one’s great for whenever your secret spy identity’s been blown, and you want to plot your escape with your partner in the next cell. It’s my go-to secret alphabet – Morse code! You can either do it by flashing a light (torch or mobile phone screen perhaps?) or tapping, although it can be a bit tricky to distinguish between dots and dashes. But whatever happens, at least learn S.O.S. – dot dot dot   dash dash dash   dot dot dot – that one might get you out of a few tricky, undercover-operation-gone-wrong situations.

File:International Morse Code.svg

The next one – the NATO alphabet – is pretty easy, it’s really just to help understand letters. It’s most useful when you’re trying to spell something over the phone and just can’t think of anything that starts with ‘k’ except ‘knight’. Et voila:

File:FAA Phonetic and Morse Chart2.svg

 

Okay, now you probably don’t need this last one, seeing as you’re reading my blog and all, but I’ve always thought it would be super-cool to be able to read Braille – you could be pretending to talk to someone and actually be reading a book! Or you know that age-old problem of whether to read the book or watch the film first? You could do both! At the same time! So here it is:

Braille A1.svg Braille B2.svg Braille C3.svg Braille D4.svg Braille E5.svg Braille F6.svg Braille G7.svg Braille H8.svg Braille I9.svg Braille J0.svg
a/1 b/2 c/3 d/4 e/5 f/6 g/7 h/8 i/9 j/0
Braille K colored.svg Braille L colored.svg Braille M colored.svg Braille N colored.svg Braille O colored.svg Braille P colored.svg Braille Q colored.svg Braille R colored.svg Braille S colored.svg Braille T colored.svg
k l m n o p q r s t
Braille U colored.svg Braille V colored.svg Braille X colored.svg Braille Y colored.svg Braille Z colored.svg Braille W colored.svg
u v x y z w

 

Right, so there’s your homework for tonight. You will be tested on all four next week. I’m expecting straight As. Good luck.

Keep shortcutting,

Zulu Oscar Echo

Shortcutting… The Closing Ceremony

13 Aug

It’s been a good sixteen days. World records have been smashed, there have been tears of joy (and sorrow), national pride has been high. All in all, we’ve had a lot of fun. (Of course there are always losers in these sporting shenanigans but hey, they were in the Olympics! They get to go to the athletes parties, and boogie with arguably the hottest collection of people in the world. So don’t feel too sorry for them. I’m sure they still had kind of a good time, even if they were a bit disappointed.) But tonight, we said goodbye to these two weeks of thrills, spills and hopefully not many pills. After the glorious, bonkers, British-isimo Opening Ceremony (or OC as it shall be henceforth known), we all waited and wondered how the CC would tie things up. There was talk of it being essentially a pop concert, and I suppose in a way it was, but there is no way you would ever find a concert with such a variety of people performing. We had Emeli Sande, Annie Lennox, George Michael, the Pet Shop Boys, Eric Idle, Muse, One Direction, Ed Sheeran, Jessie J, Tinie Tempah , Taio Cruz, the Spice Girls, Take That, The Who, and I’m sure I’ve missed quite a few people out. Even John Lennon and Freddie Mercury had a starring role (although I found the whole constructing Lennon’s face thing a bit creepy, and rather reminiscent of Babygate from the OC). And as well as all the singing, there was a bunch of other crazy stuff going on. I personally thought the Union Jack stage was pretty cool, and the London skyline thing was nice. Also, I liked how the athletes were all around the stage having a whale of a time – it’s common knowledge that ‘standing’ is the best place to be in a concert, and they deserved it. The lights were pretty spectacular, there was great dancing, and all the sets for different acts were  good too. Of course it wasn’t quite as fab as the OC but it’s not meant to be. While the OC is a flamboyant welcome, the CC is a friendly goodbye, or rather an ‘until next time’. I must admit I had a tear in my eye as that magnificent torch, or ‘cauldron’ as it seems to be known, was slowly extinguished, and London 2012 was officially over. There are a number of cheesy things I’m tempted to say on the matter, but I’ll try to restrain myself and just say this: good job, London.

And now, as a last Olympics-related thing, I’d just like to mention a few Olympics occurrences that really warmed my heart:

  • Realizing as enthusiastic volunteers high-five me on the way out of a venue that these people have just given up their time for nothing! Because they’re nice!
  • Watching an athlete from an obscure, relatively unknown country get the gold, and hearing their anthem played for the first time – I have to admit I cried when that Grenadian guy won the 400 metres.
  • Seeing an athlete laugh while competing or, more likely, during an interview and remembering that despite their crazy determination and physical perfection, they’re human!
  • Hearing the crowd cheer for countries you know they’re not from.
  • Seeing athletes who are really happy, even when they didn’t get the gold.

Oh damn. I did the cheesy bit after all. Oh well, it’s the Olympics! You gotta be a bit cheesy, right?

Bring on Rio.

Keep shortcutting,

Zoe

Shortcutting… Flags

10 Aug

With any meeting of nations comes that confusion of multi-coloured stripes, circles and stars that is… the flags! Yay! What better game to play while sitting in any cafe, shop or restaurant with the Olympic bunting on show than Name That Flag! Now, with so many countries (204), learning each and every flag is no simple task. I’d say I can name about 40 without revision (not that I’d revise… That would be weird…) – most of Europe plus USA, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and a handful of Asia, Africa and South America. I don’t know how your average, non-geography-trivia-loving person would compare, but I’m giving myself a ‘could do better’ (I’m really good at capital cities though, I swear!).

First on today’s agenda, I would like to present you with a guide for more easy flag-identification. I know you’ve been dying for one. (No seriously, please skip this paragraph unless you’re a hardcore flagophile – it’s very boring.) Starting with Europe, a good clue is the off-centre cross, which ought to point you in particular towards the Scandinavian region – see Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Finland, and Iceland. Three equal vertical stripes is also a safe bet for Europe (France, Italy, Ireland, Germany, Romania, Belgium, Moldova, Andorra), three equal horizontal stripes (Russia, Hungary, Austria, Estonia, Croatia, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Netherlands, Slovakia, Slovenia, Serbia) or two horizontal stripes (Liechtenstein, Monaco, Poland, Ukraine, San Marino). That doesn’t quite cover Europe, but it’s a good start. Themes of Africa include stars (Burkina Faso, Cameroon, Djibouti, Ghana, Guinea-Bissau, Liberia, Morocco, Mozambique, Sao Tome and Principe, Senegal, Somalia, DRC, Togo), crescent moon and star (Algeria, Mauritania, Tunisia – Northern Africa), and triangle on the left with stripes (Djibouti, Equatorial Guinea, Mozambique, Sao Tome and Principe, South Africa, Sudan, Zimbabwe). It turns out there are a fair few three vertical stripes here too, so maybe that ain’t such a good clue after all… The crescent moon, symbolizing Islam I believe, is also present in Asia (Malaysia, Pakistan, Turkmenistan, Turkey, Uzbekistan), although apart from that there ain’t much of a trend… For Oceania, look for the Union Jack in the corner (Australia, Fiji, New Zealand, Tuvalu), and for South America I’m going to say horizontal stripes with a twist – i.e. with a crest, or a lot more than three, or differing thicknesses. North America is rather un-patterned, except for a few flags that are divided into four segments in one way or another.

Whew. Okay. That’s over with. Now let’s have a bit more fun (no, don’t get too excited – I’m sticking with flags). Here are a couple of my favourites (if you don’t know them – and shame on you if you don’t – just hover over them and your questions will be answered):

And finally, just in case I haven’t quite bored you to death yet, I have one more piece of exciting trivia for you. For you will be thrilled to hear that there is one flag that is different, unique, an outsider. What is so special about this flag? It’s different on the front and back. I know! So exciting! But which flag is it? Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the flag of… Paraguay! Yayyyy! Woooo! So how exactly do the front and back differ? Well, the front has the country’s coat of arms on it, whereas the back has the Treasury Seal. Don’t believe me? Well here’s a lil pic for you to see for yourselves what the difference is:

Picture courtesy of http://www.wakkipedia.com

So there you go. Bet you’re all flagged out now. You’re probably waving the white flag of surrender  (see what I did there?). Your strength is diminishing – flagging, one might say. So I shall save semaphore for another day.

Suffice it to say, keep shortcutting,

 (Zoe)

Shortcutting… Taekwondo

9 Aug

Sorry for the recent lack of posts – my excuse is that I have been swept up in a wave of all-consuming Olympics frenzy, as you might have guessed from my last few posts, before the frenzy completely took over. But today I return to you with information on a new sport that has caught my eye, after watching Jade Jones take the gold for team GB a few hours ago. It is my belief that no activity in which a spinning kick to the head is encouraged and rewarded should go unnoticed and so I would like to draw your attention to the ancient and brutal art of taekwondo.

According to my good friend Wikipedia, the name ‘Taekwondo’ can be broken down into ‘tae’ – to strike or break with foot, ‘kwon’ – to strike or break with fist, and ‘do’ – way/ method/ path, so can be literally translated as ‘the way of the hand and the foot’. The ‘Games and Beyond’ web page for taekwondo agrees with this but offers a more accurate translation – the art of kicking and punching. Brilliant. So let’s get started.

Taekwondo is a Korean martial art, and the national sport of South Korea, hence all the Korean names for things. Matches are fought in an 8 x 8m court between two contestants. Both wear  white suits – ‘doboks’, and protective equipment – ‘hogu’ – which is either red -‘chung’ – or blue – ‘hong’. Matches are three rounds of two minutes, with one minute breaks in between (in the event of a tie a sudden-death fourth round is played). Athletes are only allowed to used closed fists to punch and parts of the foot below the ankle to kick, so no knee-ing or shin-ing. Full-force kick and punch attacks are only allowed on the part of the torso covered by the protector. Only foot techniques can be used to attack the head, and these attacks must be to the front of the head. Points are awarded when a contestant uses accepted techniques to deliver a full-force kick or punch.

Points are awarded as follows:
  • One point for a valid attack on the trunk protector.
  • Two points for a valid turning (spinning) kick to the trunk protector
  • Three points for a valid kick to the head
  • Four points for a valid turning (spinning) kick to the head

If a player is knocked out or counted out, their opponent is declared the winner.

There are two types of penalty that may be given:
  • A kyong-go warning penalty is given for misdemeanours such as falling down, grabbing, holding or pushing, turning your back on your opponent or attacking below the waist. Two kyong-go penalties lead to a one-point addition to the opponent’s score.
  • A gam-jeom penalty is given for infractions such as attacking your opponent when the round has stopped, attacking a fallen opponent or intentionally attacking your opponent’s face with the hand. One gam-jeom penalty leads to a one-point addition to the opponent’s score.

[The above information has been sourced from the Games and Beyond website]

I believe that there are other ways of doing taekwondo other than simply sparring, and taekwondo-ists can also collect belts etc. as in the more mainstream martial arts karate and judo, but this is a quick guide to the Olympic way of doing things, just so you can understand the rules. Do research further – in my opinion, it’s pretty cool!

Get ready to kick some ass (or rather, trunk and front of head)…

Keep shortcutting,

Zoe

Shortcutting… The Sonnet

5 Aug

Time, I think, to take a break from the Olympics-related posts. Let us turn instead to that most fiendish of poetry forms, which is to writing what souffle is to cooking – the sonnet. (Actually I’m pretty sure there are more difficult types of poem that are less famous but meh, I’m sure there are many things harder to cook than a souffle, it’s just that us non-cooks haven’t heard of them. What I’m trying to say is that they’re notoriously difficult…) This may seem like a completely arbitrary topic for a blog post but I can assure you, it makes perfect sense to me…

The first step in the recipe for sonnets is iambic pentameter. Iambs are to do with the stresses on syllables – if we call unstressed syllables ‘dee’ and stressed syllables ‘dum’, then an iamb is a ‘dee dum’, for example ‘today’, ‘because’, ‘and then’, ‘instead’. So iambic pentameter is five of these in a row – ‘dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dum’, for example ‘the other day I went to see a friend’, or ‘I pushed him off a cliff; he met his end’.

Having mastered iambic pentameter, the next stage is the rhyme scheme. A sonnet is fourteen lines long, with the rhyme scheme ‘ABAB CDCD EFEF GG’, or in other words three stanzas of four lines each where lines 1 and 3 rhyme and lines 2 and 4 rhyme, followed by a rhyming couplet.

The king of sonnets is of course Mr. William Shakespeare, so to illustrate the stress and rhyme schemes, here are a couple of his most famous ones:

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date:

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm’d;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d;

But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.

(I’m not too sure about the iambic pentameter of the first two lines – you slightly have to force yourself to stress the words as ‘dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dum dee dum’: I suppose things were pronounced differently back then – but apart from that it fits the structure, and the words make sense together too!)

My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.

I have seen roses damask’d, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks; 
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.

I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:

   And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
   As any she belied with false compare. 

(This one’s cool because he’s all ‘I’m-not-going-to-pretend-she’s-perfect-but-I-love-her’, so he’s kind of making fun of all overly-romantic poets.)

Hopefully these give you some idea of what a sonnet looks like when it’s done well. For an idea of what one looks like when it’s done badly, here’s one I’ve written about the Olympics:

The Games are here: today is London’s day,

So let’s all gather round our t.v. sets,

And when our favourites win let’s shout ‘hurray’,

And hope that we’ve made money from our bets.

We watch the rowers row and cyclists pedal

And runners run and gymnasts well-dismount.

And pray that they can win some kind of medal,

So we get higher in the medal count.

It kind of makes the nations all unite,

Because we’re all a-watching the same things,

But really we all want to win the fight,

Despite the linked-up-ness of the five rings.

But let’s pretend that we don’t give a jot

When losing – we’re all winners are we not?

(I slightly cheated with ‘pedal’ and ‘medal’ – let’s just pretend they’re only one syllable…)

Keep shortcutting,

Zoe

Shortcutting… Athlete-Stalking

4 Aug

As pretty much none of my readers are British, it seems unwise to spend too long discussing Britain’s recent medal successes, but I will allow myself a quick WOOO!!!!!! Six in a day!!! Okay, now that’s out of my system, on to more pressing matters. Although I have been constantly checking the London 2012 website to keep track of what’s happening (so many events! So little time!), and how the medal count is looking, it was not till today that I discovered what a wealth of information is available on the athletes themselves. Curious about long jumper Greg Rutherford’s age, I clicked on his athlete profile thing to discover not only that he is 25, but also that his nicknames include ‘Ruthers’ and ‘Gregatron’ – how great is that! Interested by the apparently enormous height difference between heptathletes Jessica Ennis and Tatyana Chernova, I found out not only that they are 165cm and 190cm respectively, but also that Ennis has a Labrador called Myla and Chernova’s hobbies include sports (no shit), cars, shooting, horse riding and travelling. I’m telling you, this website brings stalking to a whole new level. I urge you – choose an athlete you don’t know much about, click on a few links, and soon you’ll know their birth date and place, height, weight, age, past events participated in and results, nicknames, hobbies, occupation (so far I haven’t seen any that aren’t ‘athlete’ but I live in hope!), education, family, languages spoken, club name, coach, injuries, start of sporting career, reason for taking up this sport, ambitions, training, most memorable sporting achievement, hero, most influential person in career, superstitions/ rituals, sporting philosophy/ motto, and awards. Well, maybe only the most high-profile athletes have quite such extensive profiles but even if you can’t become a complete expert on your athlete, I’m sure you’ll learn a few new things.

Before I end this post I’d just like to mention Michael Phelps, who retires today after his final race of the London 2012 Olympics. He won four gold medals at the Athens Olympics, eight in Beijing (more than any other athlete at an Olympics), and a further four this year, not to mention two silvers and two bronzes just to polish things off. Basically, he’s awesome. He (quite literally (ish)) blew everyone else out of the water, particularly at Beijing, and I’m sure the pool will feel strangely empty without him. To link this to the rest of the post, I have used his athlete profile to say a few words:

Michael Phelps has come along way since being born 27 years ago on the 30th June 1985 in Towson, USA. Having swum since the age of five, Phelps (or MP to his buddies) has followed in the path of his heroes Pablo Morales and Michael Jordan to become one of the world’s greatest athletes. Maybe upon retirement he will be able to spend more time on his hobbies: playing video games and watching television. Whatever he does next, let us hope that he always bears in mind his sports motto – the words of his coach Bob Bowman: “The solution lies within us.”

Life is a bath – some sink, some swim. (Alternative version: Life is a bath – the longer you stay in, the more wrinkly you get.)

Keep shortcutting,

Zoe